There Really Is No Manual, Is There?

Am I Ready For This Thing Called "Parenting"?

We've all heard some variation of the phrase, “There’s no manual on parenting,” and there never was a truer statement. Parenting is a mix of personal viewpoints, societal influences, responses to childhood interactions with our parents or caregivers, experimentation, and endless dreaming. We may not always know what we are doing, but we are trying our best.

When I was younger, I was unsure if I wanted to be a parent. Growing up, I did not have a great relationship with my mom and I didn't feel like I had the best example of how to shape the lives of little ones; I didn't feel like I would ever be equipped for the responsibility of parenting. I had prematurely determined parenting likely wasn't for me. I recall thinking, “If I have kids, I’m gonna screw them up." I had major doubts about this expected part of adulthood. I had come to the conclusion that raising a child was a difficult undertaking requiring complete dedication and constant growth.

At a young age, I didn't feel I'd be up to the task. I'm glad I eventually chose differently and became a parent because it is the most impactful and rewarding decision of my life. When I did become a parent, as excited as I was, I felt completely unprepared. Transitioning from a childless individual to a parent was not as smooth as I assumed.

The anticipation of my firstborn's arrival was on full display leading up to his birth: the baby shower, the set up of his nursery, and buying baby clothes-- these exciting events inadvertently contributed to the false sense of being ready. What does "ready" look like, really? How can one know if or when they are “ready” for parenthood? Can anyone really be ready, can anyone really prepare to be a parent?

The Preparation of a Lifetime

Most life-changing decisions involve obtaining a specific knowledge base and skill set to succeed. Our career choices involve some required level of study, whether hours or years worth -- we cannot simply place ourselves in a career lacking any deep understanding of the field and expect to excel. We might start in the field and realize we are ill-prepared to continue or are disinterested in what it takes to progress. Hobbies, whether earning us a side hustle or simply for enjoyment, also require study to varying degrees. Even major purchases -- from cars to homes, or even our phones -- are often only determined after many hours of research, careful planning, and reflection has happened. Yet at times parenting, one of the most profound roles some of us will fulfill in our lives, does not always involve as much consideration as these other decisions within our lives.

As much as we would prefer to be able to proclaim it, no one can truly say they are completely prepared for the emotional rollercoaster better known as parenting. None of us can say we actually prepared for being an instant role model and 24/7 caretaker (or close to 24/7), because there isn't much we can do to prepare for this radical change. The sacrifices, the tears, the frustrations, the incessant worrying, the unknowns -- all of these aspects of parenting bring to mind another familiar saying: The struggle is real.

The parenting struggle is real

Stay Teachable

We all understand the basic definition of parenting: producing offspring, caring for another, or raising a child. We know parents come in all shapes and sizes: adoptive, birth, foster, older sibling, or older relative. Although most of us can define parenting and identify the different types of parents which exist, the main question many of us have, whether currently a parent or considering parenthood, relates to how to parent and how to do it well. How do we gauge the quality of care we provide these little humans? How do we move beyond hoping we’re doing great to knowing we’re doing great? How do we quiet the voices in our heads which tell us we’re failing?

Parenting requires constant self-development

If we can't actually prepare for being a parent, can we at least measure our success once we are parenting?

Knowing that in reality there's little we can do to get ready for parenthood (in spite of the permanency of our decision and how that decision directly affects more than ourselves), what can we do to progress in our parenthood? How can we know what to do in every ordinary and extraordinary situation?

The truth is we won’t always know what to do in every situation, we won't always have the right answers, we won't always feel good about a decision we made, but as we practice the good stuff-- listening, being patient, giving grace (for them and ourselves), self-development--we’ll get better at working it through. Whether figuring out how to approach a sensitive topic or working through our own triggers to provide comfort and guidance in a tough situation, we’ll see less of our insecurities or more of our confidence. We’ll realize a major way parents get it right is in the way we approach the role itself: open and teachable. Stay teachable. And acknowledge the lessons, then share them with other parents. We're going to make decisions that we realize could have been handled differently, and we are going to make legitimate mistakes. But as long as we can fess up to our mistakes, right them the best we can, and keep moving forward, we will find this parenting role so much easier and hopefully less daunting.

It's Time to Celebrate

While speaking with friends and family who have children, an unfortunate theme that continues to run through our conversations is inadequacy. The complaints vary on topics and intensity but the core remains the same: many of us do not believe we are parenting well. But I believe many parents are out there giving everything they have in their role as a parent and simply are not always aware of their own wins -- their own magical moments. Let's make a decision to recognize our wins and use them as a source of encouragement, strength, and motivation.

Let's start celebrating all the ways in which we have given of ourselves, put aside our wants, shifted our expectations, and reworked our goals to help create a better future for the next generation. Yes, that's what parents do. No, we're not looking for an award or a parade. But we must celebrate the magnificent job we are doing every day. Remembering the title of our children's favorite books, bonding over similar tastes in music, and repeatedly acknowledging our children's uniqueness, power, and worth -- we are doing the job in every small and big moment that makes a difference for our children. But our biggest work as parents tends to be on ourselves.

Celebrate the wins

Sometimes we need to refocus and remember who we said we'd never be or always would be if we were parents. The real stuff. Not the six-year-old version of ourselves who shook an angry fist at the celestial bodies and declared, "When I have kids, I'm gonna let them stay up all night and eat whatever they want!" We need to remember we said we’d love our children, no matter the situations they found (or put) themselves in; we’d be reliable and present at the moment; we’d respect their opinions, even when we had to override them for their benefit. Maybe the focus is on making sure our children feel seen and heard, understood and appreciated.

No matter our upbringing or childhood experiences, we must never stop refining ourselves, and let's celebrate the wins. We might not get the opportunity to prepare to be parents, but we get the honor of the journey of refinement, the process of becoming better than when we started. That's where we can make up for not having a real chance at preparation--allowing the parenting journey to enrich our lives not only with these incredible additions to our lives, but also with elevating our own existence.

We must choose to work toward and see the best version of ourselves. Then push from within to embody that version.