"Signs"

I sat in Lucy’s office weeping

Confiding how I was afraid

He meant his words

“I feel like I won’t get through

This marriage without putting my hands on you”

Those were the words of my husband

In our first year of marriage

This was supposed to be the honeymoon phase

Guess the honeymoon was over

The fear in Lucy’s eyes petrified me

I thought she’d say

“He’s just talkin’

He’s just blowing off steam”

But she didn’t say those soothing words

Her eyes were saturated with fear

For me

And my safety

And my future

As I sobbed into her neck

I told myself this wasn’t real

That I was exaggerating his words

My husband loved me

We dated three and a half years

We were just having a rough patch

This too shall pass

Came to mind

But it didn’t

It doesn’t.

Disappear

I had to disappear

On an afternoon in July

10 years later

3 children later

1 shattered marriage later

Tears blurred the lines of

U.S. highway 71-S as I headed to

Work on the morning of the last

Day I would ever step foot

In my home as a resident

“I can’t go back, I can’t go back”

Four words I whispered to myself

And my three precious babies

Strapped in the back of my

Black 2008 Ford Focus

“I can’t go back, I can’t go back”

Were the only words

My mouth could shape

As my mind frantically pieced

Together a plan

My safety plan

Little did I know

It was called that

And that was exactly

What it was

My plan to get to safety

No more namecalling

No more endless tears

No more hiding bruises

No more excusing the inexcusable

No more pretending

No more wide-eyed babies

Drowning in the tension of

My relationship

Normalizing dysfunction

As if it were expected

In every marriage

Sweet peace at last.

My tears are now

Endless tears of joy

Freedom feels like

The prize I never thought I’d win

Freedom feels like endless happiness.