I sat in Lucy’s office weeping
Confiding how I was afraid
He meant his words
“I feel like I won’t get through
This marriage without putting my hands on you”
Those were the words of my husband
In our first year of marriage
This was supposed to be the honeymoon phase
Guess the honeymoon was over
The fear in Lucy’s eyes petrified me
I thought she’d say
“He’s just talkin’
He’s just blowing off steam”
But she didn’t say those soothing words
Her eyes were saturated with fear
For me
And my safety
And my future
As I sobbed into her neck
I told myself this wasn’t real
That I was exaggerating his words
My husband loved me
We dated three and a half years
We were just having a rough patch
This too shall pass
Came to mind
But it didn’t
It doesn’t.
Disappear
I had to disappear
On an afternoon in July
10 years later
3 children later
1 shattered marriage later
Tears blurred the lines of
U.S. highway 71-S as I headed to
Work on the morning of the last
Day I would ever step foot
In my home as a resident
“I can’t go back, I can’t go back”
Four words I whispered to myself
And my three precious babies
Strapped in the back of my
Black 2008 Ford Focus
“I can’t go back, I can’t go back”
Were the only words
My mouth could shape
As my mind frantically pieced
Together a plan
My safety plan
Little did I know
It was called that
And that was exactly
What it was
My plan to get to safety
No more namecalling
No more endless tears
No more hiding bruises
No more excusing the inexcusable
No more pretending
No more wide-eyed babies
Drowning in the tension of
My relationship
Normalizing dysfunction
As if it were expected
In every marriage
Sweet peace at last.
My tears are now
Endless tears of joy
Freedom feels like
The prize I never thought I’d win
Freedom feels like endless happiness.
