A Survivor's Inner Strength
We often consider strength to be a physical trait or an outward appearance; however, strength can be both outward and inward. Those choosing to escape the dangers of living with their abuser have chosen to find their inner strength, dig down deep, and choose better for themselves. Leaving an abuser is hardly ever a linear process; it often involves difficult decisions that may look more like layers that need to be peeled away over time.
Those who have fallen into the statistic of being 1 in 3 women or 1 in 9 men in domestic violence situations must consider the ramifications of their choice to live free of name-calling, financial control, physical abuse, forced isolation, and so much more. They must consider their next steps in providing themselves with a new way of life and a new support system free of the toxicity to which they have grown accustomed.
Making the choice to walk out of the door takes courage and inner strength the survivor likely has been tapping into on a daily basis already. I cannot tell you how often I've heard the unenlightened comment, "All you have to do is leave," followed by a deep sigh of frustration and disbelief. Why stay? Who would stay when it’s that bad? Just leave! This simplistic response to the trauma endured by victims and survivors of domestic violence highlights the common misconception that walking out the door is one easy choice, or that it solves the problems facing our neighbors, cashiers, teachers, mechanics, best friends, relatives, and churchgoers....if only it were that simple.
Victims of abuse rarely see how much inner strength they possess. The situation created by their abuser often overshadows the reality of their inherent power. Victims may not acknowledge their daily fight to survive, their battle to keep living, and the courage required to live in "survival mode."
Just Scratching the Surface
Physical abuse may leave obvious scars and literal evidence of trauma, but it is often just the figurative surface for those who experience this form of domestic violence. The damage created by verbal, mental, and/or emotional abuse is often unseen, even by those suffering from it. As mental health continues to rise as a hot topic in our nation, it is imperative that we never forget the mental health interventions needed for those fortunate enough to leave their abuser and move forward toward hope.
According to the website, womenshealth.gov women who suffer from emotional and verbal abuse often endure persistent negative effects: "Staying in an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship can have long-lasting effects on your physical and mental health, including leading to chronic pain, depression, or anxiety." The Office of Women's Health through the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services also identifies additional impacts on an abuse victim including feeling ashamed or guilty, feeling unwanted, or questioning their own memory of an event or events.
Leaving often weighs on the heart and mind of an abused person as they consider the challenges of escaping their abuser. Many times the abuser has carefully orchestrated power dynamics over their victim, making the uncertainty of the future a seemingly impossible hurdle. Victims may question: Where will I live? How will I survive? Who can I lean on? Even though the relationship was unhealthy and possibly riddled with red flags, the victim of abuse has come to know a false sense of security with the abuser and may rather remain in the routine of what they know than venture out into the unknown. The hurdles created by abusers can make the peace and safety of another way of living seem out of reach.
Moving Toward Hope
Leaving an abuser can take many steps, none of which have to be taken in a particular order. Some survivors leave immediately and decide what their next steps shall be; others plan and utilize what is known as a safety plan, which details places they can turn or people whom they can rely on while taking the first step toward hope for a different life.
Metro Office of Family Safety of Nashville, TN indicates that victims of abuse leave and return to their abuser on average 5-10 times before finally leaving. This range sheds light on the truth that leaving is never an easy decision and can be one of the most difficult decisions the survivor has ever had to make.
The amazing thing about our current society is that mental health and self-care are at the forefront of everyone's minds. I can't think of a better platform to discuss victims of abuse who find themselves in a position to flee their abusive situation and sprint toward hope for their future, and at times the future of their children.
In Your Neighborhood
So what do you do if you learn that someone you know is being abused? Metro Office of Family Safety of Nashville provides several suggestions on how to provide support to a victim of abuse.
Key pointers included:
If they tell you what's happening, show that you believe in and support them.
Respect their privacy by promising not to share any information about their situation (except for child abuse or elder abuse).
Provide them with support resources.
Be patient and understanding, whether they choose to stay or leave.
Metro Office of Family Safety is an incredible resource for victims of abuse or family members of the victim. It can be confusing or difficult to know how to support a victim of abuse who shares their story. Family and friends might feel pressure to say the "right" thing or talk the victim into leaving their abuser immediately.
However, the best thing to do for a victim of abuse is to be present, listen, and inform them what support you can provide at the time they would like to leave their abuser. Knowing that every minute 20 people experience violence in a domestic relationship or partnership, it is safe to say you know a victim of abuse. This might be the man across the hall of your apartment building, your dog walker, the cashier at the store, or your child's teacher. You might not realize that you know a victim of abuse, but if someone in this situation opens up to you, the best way to respond to this delicate information is with care, consideration, and support.
Not every person who shares with you their experience of abuse is out of the woods yet. Some victims of abuse share their experiences while choosing to stay, or while they are in the earliest stages of determining how to leave. I attended group therapy for several weeks through a local domestic violence shelter and was surprised to find that not everyone in our group had left their abuser; in fact, two of the participants were in abusive relationships and were not ready to take any action from what they had learned while in therapy. This is normal. Reaching out to find support is often the first of many difficult steps a victim must endure.
The best approach to a victim can include any or all of the following:
Don't tell victims of abuse how to live their lives; instead, listen to their needs.
Don't judge the victims of abuse ever; instead, express belief in their experiences.
Try to relate to the victim. Ensure them that they don’t have to face this alone.
Provide resources that offer support in their community.
One of the strongest encouragements you can give to a victim of abuse is this: "You're stronger than you know!"